If you find the idea of sex slipping down your “to do” list, it might console you to know you are not alone.
A survey published by my online sex education platform Beducated found that a paltry 40 per cent of us rate our sex lives positively.
One in five of the 1800 respondents confessed to being completely out of sync with their partner.
It seems there’s a silent epidemic of apathy and miscommunication in the bedroom.
But the good news is there are solutions, if you’re stuck in a sex rut. Read on to find out …
CHARGE BATTERIES
In long-term relationships, women often see a faster drop off in libido than their partner.
But intimacy is like a phone battery that needs to be charged every single day.
Dr Juliana Hauser, Beducated’s libido and desire expert, suggests thinking of the sexual connection between you as a “runway rather than a pit stop”, make a point of peppering your day with small gestures like a wake-up kiss to build connection.
Such little tweaks will accumulate through the day, making you more receptive to intimacy.
HIT THE GYM
Your mental and physical health plays a vital role in how you feel about yourself.
Regular physical activity — even as little as once a week — boosts sexual desire and confidence, with gym-goers 22 per cent more likely to report being “satisfied” or “very satisfied” with their sex lives.
Physical activity delivers a rise in feel-good hormones and, usually, body confidence.
Dr Juliana says this will certainly improve your ability to stay sexually active for longer.
Let’s be honest, the results can impact your attraction too.
SNIFF HIS SWEATY SHIRT
Don’t underestimate the power of smell!
We are highly sensitive to the pheromones in our partner’s sweat and women may have evolved in such a way that a man’s smell can trigger ovulation and a surge in libido.
If you seldom cuddle, you could be missing out on the libido-boosting effects of his scent.
So give him a big hug when he gets back from work or sneak a sniff at his sport shirt.
THE REAL FOREPLAY
Stress is a huge mood killer: 61 per cent of our survey participants said it directly impacts on their sex lives.
It can be really tricky to switch from one role (parent, worker, dogsbody) into a space where you sexually connect.
So don’t even think about any kind of sexual foreplay until you’ve cleared libido-limiting and stress-inducing mental clutter.
Dr Juliana recommends dumping distractions by writing a “to do” list and leaving it in the kitchen.
Put your phone out of reach — there’s nothing sexy about doom-scrolling.
FLIP YOUR SEXT SCRIPT
Don’t let sex become a repetitive chore. Dr Juliana’s “four quadrant” exercise is a great way to spice things up.
Sit down together and write a list of every kind of sexual action you can think of, then working individually put each action into one of four quadrants:
- Something you have tried and want to try again.
- Something you have tried and don’t want to do again.
- Something you haven’t tried and are curious to try.
- Something you haven’t tried and are pretty certain you don’t want to try.
Going over your charts can spark ideas for experiences you might both like to try (and give you the chance to call “time” on activities you no longer enjoy).
PLAN A NON-FOOD DATE
Putting sex in the diary can be a gamechanger for couples who struggle to find time to be intimate.
But a big fancy dinner will only leave you feeling bloated and sleepy.
Get those creative juices flowing instead.
Earmark an evening to read an erotic novel together, sign up for a tango class or relax on a spa day.
Time spent relaxing together can have a huge intimacy-boosting effect.
STARE INTO HIS EYES
Studies show men often stare deeply into a woman’s eyes at the beginning of a relationship, yet over time the habit fades.
But women crave “the gaze” and this simple act can reignite a dormant libido.
Try this exercise: Sit opposite each other somewhere comfortable and spend two minutes looking into each other’s eyes.
Dr Juliana suggests trying this with your bodies not touching, then again with your knees brushing for more intensity.
LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX
FeelIng unable to voice your desires, needs and boundaries is a very big issue — a staggering 95 per cent of survey respondents said they wished for better communication.
If the thought of talking about sex makes you uncomfortable, try post-orgasm pillow talk when oxytocin (the bonding hormone) is flooding your body.
Ask what do you fear about sex? What do you desire when it comes to sex?